Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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