I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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