We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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