one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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