I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
