Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
