im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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