I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You are the jesus of drinking
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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