I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I just sharted jello shots
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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