he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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