Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
