I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
