Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
