I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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