we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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