Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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