Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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