perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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