see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
