how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
