found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
