You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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