Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize