What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
