she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
