Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
