I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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