I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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