I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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