I puked a lego.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
