If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
