Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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