sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
