god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
