genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize