So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
