rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
