Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
