i would punch a child for taco bell
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
not ubering you a puppy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
