your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize