So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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