After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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