i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
