Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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