How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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