I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
