Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
