She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
