I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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