It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
