she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
