dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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