Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
