When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize