Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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