Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
