I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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