You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
